Evaluations and Forecasts

I write one at the end of every year, so I thought I might as well start earlier this time, so maybe I can actually post it on time, rather than leave it simmering in my drafts-box too long overdue when the newness of the new year has somewhat waned.

//edit: Oops, haha. Too late.

“So, how are you?”

I feel the prickle of irritation on my skin at the question. And yet, it is unavoidable. What else do I really expect people to say when they haven’t seen me for months? Conversations that take place within a text-box and safely behind a screen are very condusive for diluting the truth of the matter, or to hide the blemishes. You can essentially choose the image you want the other person to believe. You reveal what you want to reveal, pick’n'mix the facts and figures according to the message you’re trying to preach. Everyday media journalism.

Yes, how am I? A part of me instinctively cringes on cue whenever the question we come to ask as a default form of civility escapes the other’s lips. I think it’s because I stop for a moment to decide whether to tell the truth or not. And more often than not, resign to the latter.

I’m good, thanks. I’m alright, I guess. Yeah, I’m okay.

I let the standard response utter itself. It’s better that way. Fewer questions asked, less explanation necessary. Still I will never be able to betray what I know to be the truth by peppering it with juicy detail of every little thing I should be ecstatic/thankful about or for. But the good ones always know how to tell the difference. And when they probe further, it all comes tumbling out, in cascades. I sometimes wonder whether they ever wish they never asked.

But I’m detracting. I notice my prologues seem to be lengthening of late. It’s like I need to warm-up, and haven’t even figured out what it is I meant to say. Anyway. The end-of-year question is in fact this very annoyance. Only I’m effectively posing it to myself – “So, it’s been a year, how ARE you really?” And the same sluggishness to reply seems to slow the turning of the wheels in my head; the same numbness from hearing the question too many times hardens the heart from expelling the emotion it was made to let overflow; the same obstinance to give an answer straight-up translates into a denial that refuses to stare actuality in the face.

Who ever said reflecting was supposed to be calming and therapeutic. Pfft. No exercise is effortless.

I think … no sophisticated, well-rounded summations in a nutshell of all the lessons and revelations that have hit home this year. Writing a 10,000 (okay, fine, I lied) 12,000-word thesis was quite enough of that.

At risk of tooting my own horn, counting my chickens before they hatch, and any other thing that might constitute the horrendous act of bragging, I’m finding myself at a very interesting juncture here (as people often do, at the end of the year). See, I’ve done it. I achieved my goal. It is by no means the ‘ultimate’ one, nor will it be the last, but it’s still pretty darn pivotal. And that being said, it was by no means of my sole doing. I was carried through by the strength of prayer, standing upon the foundation of hope, resting on the combined beliefs of all the people – selfless parents, ever-constant brother, patient friends, encouraging coursemates, supportive colleagues, well-meaning supervisors – who have stood by me through every episode of neuroses, and every moment of (more often than not) unwarranted panic and despair. Most importantly, lest I ever forget, led by the steady hands of a God who is good, all the time. Whether He gives or takes away, it is the same, unchanging, coherent Will.

Hm, so I’m deciding whether it’s even worth making resolutions. I think by this stage, I’ve faced the rude fact that I’ll never be a rockstar, or a beauty-queen. Maybe I’ll never get around to finishing the Bible. But still, I like to call up the ones I last made and survey which I’ve actually even made headway on. Ah, as expected, most of them still apply. It’s funny how they sound like I’m slowly building my mantra of life – standards I’d like to maintain, goals I’d like to keep chasing up to, bottom-lines I’d never compromise on.  I suppose it would be a good idea to verbalize them…

But before that – I was somewhat right, my fears at the end of last year were indeed warranted. After all, 2007 was a hard year to live up to. Some nights, I still find myself rummaging through old drawers of memoribilia that I’ve stowed away and chided myself into never unearthing. For my own good. Living in the past should not be done, they say. And yet, I am drawn, all too often, to the frozen smiles and unknowing bliss, our heads leant in towards each other, my hand upon your shoulder.

It used to be easier. You used to be better. Even though I probably never realized it then.

2008 was … short and anti-climatic.

It was about cementing some of the relationships I began in ‘07, and beginning new ones that I’m looking forward to extending. I feel more secure in myself now, who I am and what I’m about. It’s easier to build friendships now. It’s no longer too daunting a task to strike up conversation with a stranger, or to mill around a room filled with people, cocktail glass in hand. Mildly unpleasant, but not crippling.

It’s also funny, I don’t remember working particularly hard on anything (although I probably did), save maybe the last hungry afternoons when I attempted to fast from lunch; and sleepless nights tying up loose ends as the midnight oil burned. Every year I seem to push the limits a little bit more, spread myself a little further across many things. And I’m quite happy to report, that it’s possible to have a life – to not compromise on people, activities of service, or those precious deep-and-meaningfuls you’d rather engross your time in. Caveat of course being, that you don’t scoff at deadlines too much, they are still very much to be feared; And of course, never taking lightly the power of grace.

Sure, the year was not without events. Little spurts of it scattered at regular enough intervals to drive time ever forward. Yet, after build-ups, climaxes and winding-downs… I still can’t seem to remember for certain the words exchanged or what they meant. Everything seemed to lose itself to ambiguity, so here we are. Again. Having just clambered out from the funnel of another spiral; at the end and beginning point (if there ever was one) of another cycle, only on a different plain.

And at the end, the budding signs of young beginnings, days and evenings that I wish could have been longer drawn out, wistfully hoping against hope that they might never change. But for the most part, all seemed to have washed over me. Maybe because I kept waiting with bated breath for the big things – for you, for zeniths and breaking points, for my world to come tumbling down and then self re-generate – and lost all that time in between.

Note to self: Must remember never to do that.

Now, one thing I am most certain of:
The winds of change will come again.

And I can choose to resist it, grit my teeth and resist with all my might, in my vain efforts to defy the course of nature. Or perhaps I might throw up my hands in surrender, and let the breeze filter through my hair, and wash afresh over my face.

You’re going to start work, begin your climb up the corporate ladder. I’ve said it so many times, each a hapless effort to drum it into conscious awareness, in hopes that I might be better prepared for it – but you’re going to become a different person. I’m not going to see you as much as I’d like, if I had it my way. The day I most fear may be much closer than I think. I’m going to lose you, even though I never had you.

As for me, I’m going to drown myself in some work of my own. Live and breathe my Psychology, as I used to say. Now, I actually will have the chance to put that into practice. And what an immense opportunity this is, indeed. There were are, a lot of things riding on this – the apartment, a job, permanent residency, whether to go on a plan for my phone (haha)… my future? I saw the decision as a turning point, really. A chance for God to stop me in my tracks, and with a mighty hand, sweep across the board, and corner me into building again from the ground-up, elsewhere.

Or, perhaps – There is work yet to be done here. People yet to meet. A story unfinished.

I sincerely hope it is the latter. I don’t want to be guilty of satisfying a self-fulfilling prophecy, or a scrounging of all the reasons to justify why I’m still here. There’s an unsettling air of apprehension surrounding the whole notion of setting down roots in this place. It’s like, the path was too straight, and every step along the way was satisfied in an easy, almost, mechanical fashion. Okay, maybe I’ll take back easy. But still, it was like check, check, check and check. Now, it’s crunch-time. I’m doing this. It’s like the lead-up to a commitment ceremony and I’m getting a small case of cold feet.

Needless to say, I know what I’m missing. I know what it’s going to take to seal my future, to tie me down to a specific point on the map, to make it right. The cherry on top the icing on the cake. It doesn’t need to be said, you and I both know. It’s greater than any academic accolade, any fat paycheck, or any cushy comforts a world governed by materialism and entertainment can offer. And it lasts for a lifetime. Despite better sense, there are some days where I am convinced that I wouldn’t mind trading anything in the world for it, to know what it means, to feel how it must feel.

But there’s something else I also do know. And it by no means negates my desire for love or my need to feel wanted and beautiful. And that is that,

I Am.

I am complete. All in my little old self. I have already within me, or what has graciously been bestowed upon me, all that it takes to live a life that is full and sufficient. With or without anything, anyone attached.

Because for too long, I’ve been preoccupied by a fruitless search for something that is out of my control. Just the thought of being without it has had me side-swept. It had me distracted and disoriented. I honestly cannot remember a time when I wasn’t chasing the unrealistically impossible, or pining after possibilities that had out-lived their plausibility. Although really, who can say? But perhaps it’s about discerning where best to invest yourself into, and knowing both when, and how to bow out gracefully.

And so I approach 2009 with a few important ground-rules to add to the ones I’ve made yester-year:

#6 Immerse yourself in every person, every life that crosses yours. Just as you have in the last 5 years, give it your all. This is your life now.

#7 Priorities, priorities, priorities. Know which to put first. Some things need to give. Some people deserve your time and energy more than others.

#8 Never forget where you came from. Distance is a dangerous thing. It can wash away intensity of colour into bland shades, and water down rawness of emotion to jaded ignorance. Never allow yourself to be that far removed. Remember to care.

#9 Be open. Take chances. Revisit past mistakes. Rewrite possible regrets? The story can have a different ending, but happy all the same. There is more than one definition to happiness.

#10 Don’t hesitate. Just do it. Give as much as you have the capacity to. Love fiercely. And if it’s still not enough, that’s okay, you died trying.

And on a parting note, I just have to affirm how much I’m going to be staging a rebellion against stagnancy. It is mandatory that every year has to bring something new, something better, something more.

So if this is the best there is yet to be, no, I simply will not settle for it.