Sigh.

I miss you. And you’re just here. How am I ever going to survive weeks away from you?

The saddest thing is that you’re probably out, gallivanting somewhere. Plotting your next big social takeover. How to win friends and influence people. Getting that girl you always wanted.

It’s not fair that I’ve been given these feelings.

______________________________

Father,

I feel myself slipping again. Into this shame-blame game. I blame You for seeding these desires in my heart. Why do they take such a specific form? Why does happiness seem to only culminate in that one person? Why does he dictate my everything? I shame myself for not being good enough, for not being beautiful enough. I blame him for not knowing better, for being blinded by superficiality, for not growing up quickly enough to see what is good and right under his nose. I blame them for taking my place, for their selfish and shallow pleasures, for their blatant insensitivity.

And now I have all this time on my hands – Time to bemoan days that have passed, to antagonize the things of the present and to worry incessantly about tomorrow.

I pray that you will help me use the days wisely, productively. May I learn to feed my soul with the richness of a Word that is alive and relevant to my current day, fill my mind with the knowledge of Your, our world. May I yearn to keep You close to my heart, every second, every minute of my every day. May I preserve my hope in a better day, a brighter future be grounded firmly in You as my solid Rock, my strong Fortress. May I guard fiercely my faith in a God that will provide, that will see me through the long and narrow path. 

I may not always make the right decisions. More often than not, I succumb to the wilful desires of my flesh, fall prey to the tantalizing potential of momentary gratification. Just like how I have broken my fast, time and time again for the sake of convenience, yielding to the hunger of my cravings, bowing to the pressures of the people who sit with me at the dinner table, or to he, who has the uncanny power of pushing me beyond the boundaries of anything I’ve known till now. 

But Lord, have mercy. Be patient with me. For I am, and hopefully will always remain a work in progress, yet to be finished.