To You, Again.

It was probably about a year ago, to this date, that we sat down on tanned wooden boxes at a small sushi bar to discuss the possibility of ‘us’.

I never wanted to force this. Heck, I’m spoiling every ideal I ever had by being the primary instigator, breaking every rule by being the one who is the chaser instead of the chased. I never wanted you to feel like I backed you into a corner and interrogated answers that don’t really exist or demanded you to promise something you don’t have to give.

But I have to say what is on my mind and weighing so heavily on my heart.

I need to know my place in your life.
I need to know why we never worked out.
I need to know whether you have a real thing for J.
I need to know where we go from here.

You have to tell me. Please, be cruel to be kind.

Father, I don’t think I have ever come before You… I mean truly brought this matter to the table for discussion. I’ve guarded it so fiercely, probably unwittingly muttered a thousand counter-prayers, posed a caveat to every clause: ‘Change my heart, Oh God, but don’t touch D; ‘Your will be done Lord, but not at the expense of D‘; ‘Set me free from this bondage, but keep D close to me‘. Perhaps I knew all along that if I ever should dare to utter the words, I would have to finally, face the music.

And in the end, holding onto it so tightly, never occurring to me that I’ve been suffocating the life from it.

But today, I realised that what I fear the most isn’t quite nearly You. It is him. No, not D, but the thin gray man that is Loneliness. He steals through my house in the dead of night and skulks in the doorway. And like a wisp of smoke, lingering in the air, he watches and waits, as my eyelids flutter and I slip into sleep. Then begins the frantic chase – he runs through my dreams, hot at my heels, planting fresh paranoias and unearthing old forgotten fears. He finally takes his leave in the morning, when sunlight and consciousness usher in reality and rationality.

You know my heart’s desires. In my folly, I have defined happiness and prosperity and purpose and blessing by my own terms. Help me to be brave Lord, when emptiness sinks in. Would you pay my ransom, when Loneliness threatens to hold me hostage.

Draw me near to Your side, when I am abandoned.